TAKE BACK THE FENCE SPAGHETTI!!!

Okay, so I realize there has been a total lack of cooking in my life lately, which is why there has been a total lack of cooking on this blog. I can definitely explain why that is, and it's called, I have been fighting the man ALL FREAKING WEEK, and while I've been doing this, I have had no time, whatsoever, to cook.

It started on Halloween, when some D-bag stole half our fence and tipped over our arbor. I woke up on November 1st to find this giant freaking mess in our yard. I am 99.99999% sure it is our crazy, anti-arbor neighbor, because he is a nosy ass, and did not come out ONCE to ask what happened while I was re-setting a freaking arbor in my pajamas. In addition, if you were a hooligan (yes, HOOLIGAN!), would you choose to tip over the arbor that is STAKED TO THE GROUND, which will take ALOT of time and effort, or would you smash every freakin pumpkin in the neighborhood and pop the giant inflatable Snoopy down the street? You are going to smash pumpkins, is what you are going to do. And Snoopy is one dead dog. None of this happened, which leads me to the omewhat paranoid conclusion that this was TOTALLY personal. Also, my dear sweet hard working husband was up until like, 3 in the morning making posters, and heard and saw NOTHING. That, my dear friends, means that whoever did that crap waited until he knew we went to sleep, and carefully unclipped the fence and arbor from its supports, and gingerly pushed it to the ground without hurting it. YOU CANNOT TELL ME THIS IS THE WORK OF HOOLIGANS, and damnit, I want my freaking fence back! So the natural thing to do is to make a giant sign that says, "IT BETTER BE BACK IN OUR YARD BY MORNING!" and put it in the yard in front of my neighbor's front window. And then guess what? I GOT MY FREAKING FENCE BACK! So there.

Shortly after this, the most hilarious part of my week occurred. I found out I failed the University of Montana Writing Proficiency Assessment (or WPA). Now, essentially, the U of M uses this test to determine if you are illiterate, and then, if you are, you have to take the test over and over again or they will withold your diploma because clearly, you are not the kind of filth they like to unleash upon the world. Now, obviously, I did not answer my prompt on the test like I write this blog. I write this blog to you in a very personal and loving style, because you are all my dear, sweet friends. But even in this informal format, I am fairly certain that none of you are reading this and wondering, "I wonder what language this is..." Unless you are the sole reader I have in Russia, who I discovered existed the other day, and all I can say is: good for you Buddy, make those shrimp! When you fail the test, they ask that you go to the Writing Center and be tutored for your horrible mental abnormality. Well, I WENT to the Writing Center, and all that guy could tell me was that they might not have liked my placement of my main thesis. So I thought, well, I'll just retake it and it'll be fine, blah blah blah, submission, blah. THEN I thought, "Nah, I'm going to be a HUGE asshole." So I demanded an appeal form, and went home and wrote a letter to some faceless woman in the testing department, who is sadly experiencing the full brunt of my terrible November 1st. I will keep you posted about the eventual outcome of my unfortunate literacy problem.

So you can see, that this week would more make you want to drink copiously (which I did, in fact, do...) more so than eat. As a result, my dear friend Pecker and I made late night spaghetti last night, and it tasted kind of like guido heaven, seeing as it was the first food that didn't come wrapped in paper that I'd eaten all week.

FIGHTING THE MAN SPAGHETTI:
2 large tomatoes
2 large carrots
1 large onion
1 tablespoon chopped garlic
1 can or jar of pre-made spaghetti sauce (just wait, we're gonna make this good!)
1 tablespoon oregano
1 tablespoon basil
1 tablespoon rosemary
1 teaspoon celery salt
1 pound hamburger or spicy sausage
1 teaspoon chili flakes
salt and pepper to taste
1/2 cup red wine
As much spaghetti as you think the people you're cooking for will eat.

Start by grating the carrots into teeny tiny pieces and chopping the onion roughly. Saute those with the garlic in olive oil til they start to brown, remove from the pan and reserve. Brown beef in same pan, once brown, add onions, garlic and carrots back in. Cube tomatoes, add to pan, saute until semi-mushy (the tomatoes should still roughly have their shape). Add in sauce, wine, and spices. Let simmer while pasta boils. Eat that up and plot your next move! Sock it to 'em rockstar!