Mo Pizza Mo Problems!

Welcome, welcome all! Welcome to the most dramatic pizza story I am certain you've ever heard. Yesterday, I was on an emotional rollercoaster of sauce, cheese, crust, sausage, and eventually, frustrated beer drinking.

So awhile back, I had a pizza somewhere with a delicious garlic sauce instead of traditional red gravy. It was chewy, cheesy, garlic-y, rich and delightful, and for the life of me, I CANNOT REMEMBER WHERE I HAD IT! So, if you were with me when I had this pizza, please comment and remind me of where that was, because as good as it tasted, I have deleted it from my memory completely.

In order to jog my memory, I set out on a quest to duplicate this pizza. Now, really, the only unusual aspect of this dish is the sauce, which is good, because it was the only part of this friggin pizza that turned out like I planned!

To make this delicious garlic sauce that spawned my afternoon/evening of pizza misfortune, chop five large, peeled garlic cloves into quarters. Chop in a small food processor until very finely chopped. Next, add 1/3 cup olive oil. Process until the oil and garlic have combined to be almost the color of vanilla pudding. Add 2 tablespoons of OLIVE OIL MAYONAISE. Any other kind of mayonaise will be way too mayonaisy, so it really needs to be olive oil based. Honestly I probably bleed olive oil, which probably doesn't surprise you if you've read much of this blog. Season with a teaspoon each basil, oregano, black pepper and rosemary. Add about a teaspoon and a half of kosher salt. Process until it looks like and is the consistency of salad dressing. You can taste it but at this point it is so garlicy it will probably blow the top of your head off. Mission accomplished.

Now here's the part that still makes me want to drink. I had foolishly purchased one of those pre-made pizza crusts in a can (*cough* PILLSBURY!), because this dinner was supposed to be quick and easy. I opened the can to find that somehow in the packing process, some canning moron had broken the pie crust, which is apparently a way bigger problem than I realized at the time. See, with most doughs, you just kind of mush it back together and maybe add some oil or flour... NOT SO. Once I began to mush, I realized that this "dough" was mostly air, and so doing, had decreased the size of my "dough" wad to the size of a tennis ball. Nice. It had also become the consistency of a large booger. When I attempted to roll it out, it just ripped and tore like a giant booger, and made a mess of my pizza pan, so I threw that shit out. Because who wants to eat a booger/latex balloon hybrid that is pumped full of air? Probably not even a goat.

So I realized that I in no way could half-ass this quite like I wanted to, so I did the natural thing for an angry hungry woman to do. I rummaged angrily through the cabinets looking for a hot roll mix or yeast until I knocked a bottle of Worchestshire sauce off the shelf and broke it open all over my way-overpriced Toms. Obviously this is all my fault, but this is when I start hating the world. So far I'm into this about an hour an a half and all I have is some sauce and a booger wad in the trash. So I hose my feet off and get into the car to go to the store, and buy a hot roll mix and kitty litter. Once I get the 20 pounds of kitty litter and the mix, I get in the express line at Safeway. I'm behind a semi-elderly couple who is purchasing a bag of fried chicken, and a Woman's Day magazine. Normally, adorable elderly couples warm the cockles of my heart. Not today. I went to rest my ginormous load of litter on the conveyor belt (BECAUSE IT IS HEAVY), and apparently it was WAY too close to this lady's magazine because she looks at me, gives me this nasty ass look, and scoots her magazine as far away from my kitty litter as she can get it (when it was a cavernous two feet away to begin with). So to emphasize how I WAS NOT TRYING TO DAMAGE HER MAGAZINE WITH MY POOP SAND, I slammed the plastic divider down on the conveyor belt and looked at her right back. And she decided that maybe this was not a fight she could win. Finally I made it out of that place and got home to my sauce.

Now, after you've read all that crap, I'm going to tell you about this pizza. You can really use any crust, but I do not recommend that Pillsbury crap in a can. If it is raw, prebake it for 15 minutes at the temperature designated in the recipe.

To assemble, spread garlic sauce liberally all over the crust. Layer with whatever you like, but I used hot Italian sauage, rings of onion, cherry bomb peppers (sliced and minus the seeds...), mozarella and sliced tomatos. Bake at 375 degrees Fahrenheit for about 15 minutes, more if the cheese isn't starting to bubble up brown. Eat that tricky bastard! Before it can get away or deflate into a booger.